Bismillah,

I feel like a crazy person. I feel like a crazy person spinning on a wheel getting nowhere. I feel like a crazy person spinning on a wheel getting nowhere fast giving up on my dreams only to realize that i have to keep going. Then I collapse from sheer exhaustion.

Every morning I wake up and have to tell myself, remind myself what it is that I am doing. Okay so it’s not really that dramatic. But sometimes I do get so exhausted that I forget the point of working so hard for a goal. And I just want to sleep for a week. In this case the goal is so far away that it isn’t really about the goal. No. It’s about the transformation along the way. And I have a ways to go. 

I remember Master Yoda telling me an aya once. It went something like…”Quran is a healing for everything in the breast.” It never occurred to me that that might mean that everything ailment in my soul is going to be brought out and released if I really try to memorize Quran. Or that I would be forced to learn and grow if I want to even have a chance at attaining my goal.

That has been the hardest part for me. It is the discovery that I am not as great as I think I am. I have more flaws than I may ever know. And at the same time, nor am I as terrible as Satan whispers to me that I am. And with consistent taubah all of my sins will be continually washed away. I am water being filtered through Quran. And the process right now is slow. And Allahu Akbar it is also steady.