Bismillah

I am starting over. But I’ve been struggling with the thought of being a haafidh. I memorized the first 5 juz over ten years ago. That was before I had children. I thought it was difficult but doable. After the birth of my first child it became nearly impossible to find time to do anything. Trying to memorize Quran on top of that was beyond me for several years.

In late fall 2019, before the world was watching Corona Virus, I was sitting on the small balcony of a rented vacation home ( a gift from family) thinking about my time in this world and being honest with myself about what I wanted to accomplish before leaving it. This was different however than what I believed I could accomplish, as by this time I had given up hope of being a preserver of Allah’s word. 

As I looked out over the calm peaceful water 💦, saw fish jumping up every now and then, I could feel something stir within me that I could not then put into words. Allah made all of this and he made me. There is nothing He cannot do. If Allah wants me to memorize Quran than I will memorize Quran. If Allah wants good for me nothing in the planets, in the earth or on the land can stop that. So I sat there. I closed my eyes and I sincerely asked Allah to make me memorize quran. I asked Him to put me in a position where I would be forced to do it. 

Slowly over the next 2 years Allah did just that. It was so subtle I could hardly recognize it was happening. It started slow I would get inspired to read a bit after fajr. And I would read. But instead of trying to read a whole lot like I used to do, I began to practice the hadith “a small consistent good action is more beloved to Allah than a big inconsistent good deed.” Allah gave me success. I was able to consistently read 2 pages a day for 6 months. Then Allah blessed me to increase it to 4 pages. 

Then I started memorizing again picking up where I left off at sura Al-Maaidah.  I started with half a page a week, a line a day. It was hard. It took everything in me and I felt like my children were being made to suffer from what I was trying to accomplish. It didn’t seem fair to them. I pushed through all those negative feelings however and kept going. The house was a wreck. I had to. I’d take a day off deals and cook like mad. I had to. I kept going. I had to prove to myself that there was no excuse that was going to turn me Away from the word of God! I had to follow that small secret inner voice that kept telling me just one more line just one more page just one more day. “Allah sees you.” It said to me. Allah sees me I said to myself.

One day I was struggling. I had a newborn (3/4 months old) I had to make dinner my spouse was traveling and there was no one there to aid me. No one but Allah. And Allah came to my aid. Nothing spectacular happened. Allah simply expanded me. Allah increased my capacity. My mind focused through all the noise. I nursed the baby put her on my back made dinner bathed my children all while listening to my Quran. Allah made it happen.

Then I heard it. My 1-year-old was running in and out of the kitchen babbling in Quranic tones I could even hear some words being recited. It warmed my heart so much. It gave me such peace. It gave me just enough comfort to believe that I was on the right track. Allah is subtle. 

I finished Maaidah and An’aam in this chaos. But then I stagnated the weight of the world was pressing in on me. It felt too much to bear. Then the answer came. “Start over.” Master Yoda said. So I did.

August 15 2021 I decide that I was ready to go after Quran memorization with all of my being. With six children. With a husband. With a house to run. With a sewing business I am trying to start. And a whole lot of other withs as well… I have committed myself to going after whatever Allah has for me. Because its not me who’s doing it. It’s Allah. I am just showing up. And I’ve been showing up. And I’m almost at 2 juz.