Bismillah Assalaamu alaikum.
When I put down my Mushaf today I felt differently. I felt renewed and full of gratitude. And like all the hours that I have spent working to memorize the Quran have been for something real and tangible. For me Quran isn’t just about building myself up from scratch it’s about giving myself a chance at a great afterlife. And here I have to pause. I have to pause and acknowledge Allahs mercy, kindness and grace towards me. I memorized the first 5 jug of the Quran a long time ago. Before I met most of my children. And it pained me for several years that I had forgotten them so thoroughly. Tuesday last week Allah returned those first 5 jug to me complete. And I am feeling a bit overwhelmed that It really happened. I’m feeling totally amazed and also completely terrified.
Sura Maa’idah is the last sura I memorized and forgot. So as I move towards it and seek to begin anew I am wondering if this is where I should sign off. Maybe ten juz is enough. Maybe I should focus my time and energy elsewhere? Maybe I should take better care of my family and my home?
Memorizing the Quran has always been my dream but so much of that dream has been for the sake of people or to get through very difficult or trying moments in my life. If I’m going to go all the way if I’m going to put in the hours that would be required to finish this thing it has to be about Allah. It has to be about washing this lowly world out of my heart and existing for God alone. It has to be about falling in love with my lord. And staying in love until the day I die. And I don’t know if I want to put in the work to be excellent. Maybe above average is good enough.
Maybe I should quit while I’m ahead. So to speak… Ha! Maybe I’ll just get all these complaints off my chest take a breath and put my head down. I’ve never been more ready to complete Quran than I am today. It is time to get on a system. I’ve been working and failing and learning the system of memorizing Quran for the passed 6 years. I know what to do. I know how this game is played. It is really hard. And it is cumulative. The memorization is not what’s hard. The difficulty is in the doing. The 4-6 hours every day no matter what else is happening. I’m not necessarily ready for it. But that barely matters. What matters is that I believe that Allah wants this for me. I believe Allah wants me to finish Quran. All I have to do is show up.